April 8, 2015
Goth sanctuary site confirmed
The atmospheric site near Yeovil will become home for the UK’s remaining few thousand goths, who were once plentiful in market towns. However their natural habitats of windswept seventies shopping precincts and dingy basement clubs have been increasingly eroded.
Naturalist Tom Logan said: “The introduction to Britain of the North American hipster has been a disaster for the indigenous goth.
“The hipsters’ thick plaid shirts, luxuriant facial fur and gourmet burger diet mean they are better adapted to survive the winter.
“Gradually the UK’s abandoned churches and disused brutalist office blocks have been turned into eclectically furnished tea shops and micro-breweries, leaving goths with nowhere to congregate in an ominous but polite manner. Consequently, breeding has plummeted.