Let’s face it, so do you. The weekend wrecker of all time. Having endured one last Saturday, here are my tips:
* Don’t bring children to church
* Don’t bring children to church along with bags of potato chips to “keep them quiet.” Potato chips are not quiet
* If you are so obese that you can’t fit into a suit, lose weight or don’t show up.
* If you plan on wearing a strapless dress, please invest in a set of dumbells and use them every day for six months before the big day.
* Sometimes dyed blonde hair looks green in certain casts of light. Just sayin’
* Ladies: you can never go wrong by wearing a bra. Ever. Also, it’s called a “girdle”. Think about getting one.
* When you ask the chapel owners about seating capacity, please consider that people’s “seats” have expanded enormously in the past 10 years. If they tell you the chapel seats 40, round that down to 30 and plan accordingly.
* Dear socially awkward Reverends: your jokes aren’t funny. People who’ve told you they are were just being nice. The wedding is not about you and your bad Robin Williams impression. Your “marriage advice”, which tends to have something to do with whipped husbands and female headship, is also unfunny, not to mention deeply wrongheaded and naive.