“Fred Thompson stared down Cooper. ‘These better not be a bunch of crap questions or I’m gonna hurt ya, you understand that?’
“‘Well, I know I don’t hate illegal immigrants,’ Mike Huckabee said. ‘I can’t help but raise taxes to give them free tuition when they look at me with their cute little illegal faces with those big, sad eyes they have.’
“‘Those eyes are where they’re most vulnerable!’ Tancredo added.
“‘I think this is a good time as any to point out that Romney hired illegal aliens,’ Rudy Giuliani said. ‘He had a sanctuary mansion.’
“‘What?’ Romney exclaimed. ‘How can you criticize me for that? You had a whole sanctuary city!’
“‘Yes, but as I can back up with a doctor’s note,’ Giuliani responded. ‘I’m a bit out of my mind and not always responsible for my own actions. I don’t think you have that excuse. And, if you want to know my record on illegal immigration, just look at what happened with Amadou Diallo. I personally shot him forty-one times, and he was a legal immigrant. Think of what I’d do to a illegal immigrant… or a terrorists.’
“‘Fascinating.’ Cooper pointed to the screen. ‘Next question.'”
“‘Wait a second,’ Romney said. ‘These questions aren’t all going to be like this, are they? These seem more like questions based on ignorant stereotypes of conservatives, which I find offensive since I’ve been a strident conservative for five whole weeks now. We are not all a bunch of mindless bigots who love violence.’
“‘I’m not sure if this a good point to mention it,’ Tancredo said, ‘but I have a new plan to combat illegal immigrants by setting their children on fire.'”
“‘If people don’t want their kids blown up, they shouldn’t piss us off,’ Fred Thompson said. ‘It’s as simple as that.”
“A young black man appeared on screen. ‘Why do you think that even though blacks agree with you conservatives on most social issues they won’t vote for any of you dumb honkeys?’
“‘Probably because I keep shooting them multiple times,’ Giuliani ventured.
“‘I think it’s a cultural difference,’ McCain said. ‘Due to injuries I received from being tortured by gook bastards, I am physically incapable of waving my hands in the air like I just don’t care which gives me great trouble when trying to relate to black people.’
“‘I want black people to know that I want their vote and that my religion has been tolerant of black people for a couple decades now,’ Romney stated.
“‘I won’t have any trouble getting black votes myself,’ Ron Paul said. ‘In fact, I’m half black. It’s my lower half.’
“‘We let black people vote now?’ Tancredo asked, looking confused.”