My writing hero since my teens, Julie Burchill lets rip on everything in a new book:
Everyone loves a few weeks off in new surroundings and hypocrites are no different.
Always remember, however, that the hypocrite is never a ‘tourist’ but always a ‘traveller’. Got it? Good. Pack your bags and prepare to visit the destinations of double standards.
1. SOUTH AMERICA: With all those jungles, this region is the place to go for the Green hypocrite.
You can even plant a tree in your name to help the environment (because it is, after all, all about you). And thanks to fuel-guzzling air travel, it’s all only a matter of hours away. Remember to take your Sting CD to listen to on the flight.
2. AFRICA: My goodness, you’re right on if you go to Africa. Remember to haggle with the locals during every financial transaction. You’re there to enjoy yourself and, after all, there’s no greater feeling in the world than haggling a poor African man out of three pounds.
3. ARAB STATES: You love the culture and believe that the sheer authenticity of it makes Western values seem so corrupt and futile in comparison. And if you ask around in the right places, you will be able to find those underground bars that illicitly serve alcohol, while you watch pole dancing. Cheers!
4. INDIA: The Taj Mahal, the deserts, the mountainous Himalayan regions and the garden city of Bangalore. It’s lovely. Those bloody beggars almost ruined it, though.
5. WARSAW: They say this city is ‘the new Prague’. Anti-semitism and homophobia thrive in this city - yet the modern hypocrite will still flock there for ‘the marvellous culture’ (read: cheap booze). Not that their love of travelling to Poland will prevent them from moaning about Poles coming to the UK.