* Take three paragraphs to get to creaky “military intelligence” joke that was never that funny, well phrased or accurate. Then tell it wrong. Check!
* Squeeze in less hoary but still cringeworthy “makes X look like a documentary” trope? Check!
* Mention Austin Powers and Maxwell Smart (!) in a 2010 column? Check!
* Attempts at humor that resemble a hemmerroid victim’s bowel movements?
Us, whose prime minister rolls over to get his belly scratched by the White House so regularly he should be kennelled alongside Bo, the presidential pooch?
* Awkwardly phrased rhetorical questions that make you go “huh”?
Hey, um, Mr. President? If we object to our American allies cataloguing our critically important “frequent flyer account numbers,” does that mean we’re now with the terrorists?
* Write the words “fold like a cheap suit,” “when you ponder what America’s top spies are pondering,” and “ass” (to sound extra super tough)? Check!
Gratuitiously mention the fact that the US Embassy in Ottawa is “fortified” — as if it wouldn’t or shouldn’t be? Check!
* Keep checking Word Count til you hit 700. Collect cheque?